In many South African homes and communities, men are expected to be strong no matter what they are facing. From a young age, boys are often taught that being a man means carrying pain quietly, providing for others, and not showing vulnerability.
But behind that image of strength, many men are struggling. Health challenges among men often go unseen. In terms of HIV, getting early detection and treatment is particularly difficult when men are not keen to go to a clinic.
As part of a June focus on men’s health, Masiviwe spoke to Tebogo Ramadiro from the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) about a shift he has been seeing: more men are starting to reach out for help, especially around trauma, stress and substance use.
It is an important reminder that men do want support — but many have spent years learning to suffer in silence.
“Be strong”: how boys learn to hide pain
The pressure to stay silent often starts in childhood. When a little girl falls and hurts herself, she is usually comforted. When a little boy falls, he may hear something very different: “You’re a man now,” or “Big boys don’t cry.” Many boys grow up believing that showing pain, whether it be physical or mental, is a sign of weakness. As adults, this can make it difficult for men to recognise when they are struggling, let alone ask for help.
Culture, gender expectations and ideas about masculinity all play a role in reinforcing this silence. Many men feel they must always appear in control, even when life feels overwhelming.
The pressure of being “the provider”
For many South African men, identity and self-worth are closely tied to being able to provide for their families.
In a country facing high unemployment, financial stress and deep inequality, this pressure can become overwhelming.
“A man may not say, “I am depressed.” Instead, he may speak about not having enough food at home, worrying about school lunchboxes, or feeling ashamed that he cannot provide the way he wants to”, says Tebogo.
Sometimes the warning signs are subtle. Sometimes they are hidden in questions about funeral cover, debt or whether their family would cope without them.
Why being surrounded by people is not the same as support
Many men spend time together socially — at football matches, taverns, braais or community gatherings. But being surrounded by people does not always mean feeling emotionally supported. Conversations often stay focused on sport, politics or humour, while deeper struggles remain unspoken.
Tebogo Ramadiro reflected on the difference between “big circles” and “deep circles”. Men may have many social connections, but few spaces where they feel safe enough to talk honestly about fear, failure or emotional pain.
This silence has serious consequences. In South Africa, men are significantly more likely to die by suicide than women. Harmful coping strategies such as alcohol misuse, aggression or emotional withdrawal can also grow when mental health needs are ignored.
Creating spaces where men can speak
Support groups and safe conversations can play a powerful role in breaking this cycle. In men’s support spaces, vulnerability is reframed as courage rather than weakness. Men are encouraged to speak openly, listen to one another and realise they are not alone in what they are carrying.
Language matters too. Tebogo highlighted the importance of offering support in people’s home languages. Speaking to someone in their mother tongue often creates a deeper sense of safety, dignity and connection.
Moving forward together
We also need to raise boys differently — teaching them that pain is part of being human, not something to hide.
Checking in on the men in our lives matters. Sometimes a simple, honest question can open the door to an important conversation.
If you or someone you know is struggling, support is available – see the Get Help tab on the Masiviwe website (www.masiviwe.org.za)
This article was created with the assistance of Notebook LLM and ChatGPT. See the full conversation, on our Youtube page: https://bit.ly/49YVCLo